no one will see this, so I don't have to put effort into it. So, this will be a bland post. No worry, it's all fine. Everything will be alright.
For starters, I'm a horrible person. I wish to change it, but it doesn't seem like it'll happen in the future. The future, lol. Like, the only thing I'm really looking forward to is house hunting and decorating said house. Is that sad? If it is then ohwell, I'll add it to the list of things of like things to be depressed about I GUESS. I leave for college soon. I should be excited, I should be happy, I should be like idk, but I'm not. I'm the complete and total opposite of that. People ask me all the time if I'm excited and I usually reply with "I wish I was" or "no" because I'm totally hardcore and shit, right? I haven't written in this thing in a long ass time. Where have I been? Really no where, it seems that my lack of friends or lack of people that really care about me will never change. Look, I have some family and like a very low count of friends that I guess you could say care about me, but I feel like only family deserves to be on that list.
< I still love this, it's the background on my phone and one day I'd like it to be painted on my wall or something. lololol My grammar sucks.
I feel truly selfish, like an ungrateful brat. Sometimes, I wish that I could just give my life to someone that deserves it more than I do. Idk what I'm trying to say without coming off as an even more horrible person, so bare with me. I was never great at sharing my feelings because they were always like, I'm depressed, I want to die, I feel fat, I'm ugly, why did you create such an ugly child mom. That sums up like that past 5 years. Sure they weren't consistent and I didn't feel like that 100% of the time, but you get it. The I'm so ugly and fat, all fucking 5 years, I can tell you that. I would blame society, but that's overrated. Depression, I don't even know. Like, it got bad this year, I don't even know why, but it did. Maybe because I realized how far I felt from everyone else? Like, where's my beavis to my butthead? Like, I felt that I lost dear friends, or like I realized that I wasn't as close to anyone that I thought I was? idk. I remember in junior year, I was all like I missed out on a typical Hollywood High School experience, like I didn't go to parties where drinking is involved, no boyfriend, no experimentation with drugs or alcohol. I mean, maybe that's a good thing, but I feel like maybe I should of done the stuff I was curious about because I can blame it on being young and dumb. Now, I can blame it on OH I WAS IN COLLEGE, but will things really change? Will I become that social butterfly? no? Probably not because I'm way to shy and I'm horrible around people I don't know. I know I'll get a friend or something, but like idk.
I like to think that I'm a nice person to other people, like I'm friendly and will always be there for you type deal. But, for me, I hate complaining about my problems to other people. Did I used to do it like all the fucking time? YES. Afterwards, I feel like I used them or something, like I spoke to them too much about a certain thing, and immediately regret it. Like wtf. Another thing, I shouldn't be as dumb as I am for having as much free time as I have. My typical day goes like this, wake up, computer, eating playing with my dog, whatever mom wants to do,computer, sleep. And then once in a blue moon someone wil be kind enough to want to see me. Sometimes I'll watch tv. I should really work on my spelling or something idk. Compared with how I was the summer I made this blog everything was peachy. I don't know what it was but I only have good memories about that summer. Why? Idk, watching tales from the crypt, discovering Morning Musume, cooking alot, but besides that I didn't do a damn thing. The next summer I saw Morning musume, that was pretty awesome, would do it over again in a heartbeat. The summer after that, I saw my dad, which was all sad and shit because of the divorce from my step-mom. Oh well, sucks for him, right?
Another thing, I feel like I'm losing touch with my dad and my other family, ya know my sisters. I fucking miss them. I get to see them soon, which would be the first time in a year, but whatever. The whole school year, I barely talked to him, much less them. I mean I hung out with him for like an hour during spring break, but that's it. THAT'S ALL BRO. It's gunna be soo awkward, but atleast I get to see them right?
I don't know what it was about this year, but I don't think that I ever been this low, since that time when I was 13. I was never going to harm myself because I care about what my mom thinks and I couldn't do that to her. I care too much, I think, lol. Aren't I supposed to be the golden child? I mom didn't luck out. I remember last summer, crying and yelling to god about how I wasn't happy. But, that's in the past? I'm just happy that I didn't become a cutter, despite how much I wanted to. Last time I did it it was like September, and only seems to be a yearly thing. I mean, I have been wanting to, but my mom would see it and I nicked myself shaving doesn't really work all that well, plus my only self-harm scar that you can see is like the dumbest thing. I cut my wrist just to do it when I was like 12 or 11, idk it was around my birthday. idek why I did it, but like I wasn't sad or anything, idk what was goign through my mind. and not it is there FOREVER OMG. I feel like I'm too much of a selfish human, like I should give up my life to someone who deserves it much more than I ever will. But, I couldn't do that, I'd chicken out in a heartbeat. I'm too curious for that house, man.
For this summer, the only thing that I really wanted to do was sleep, sleep , and sleep. My mom got me a car, me being an ungrateful little brat asked her to return it, because I don't deserve it, I wasn't excited about it, I thought it was too much. ofc I said my thank yous and all, but I just don't think I'm ready to grow up I guess. I should go back to being 4, back in 1997, wasn't that a good year? For america? idk.
I'll never know a thing, love you all.
